i don't think life can get any better. making amends, learning lessons, and just forgiveness in general is all what a human needs to survive. weights have been lifted from my shoulders and i feel like i'm 'normal.' almost. and this, "this" is growing up.

motherfucker.

i can't write the words--but i'm glad tonight happened. 

as much as i don't want to see half the people who are still stuck in this town, it's actually kind-of nice seeing them. it makes me not want to grow up, and want to relive the past? right? i want to be young again. of course i am still young, but its not the same. you can't relive or recreate the moments that have left an impact on you, that changed you, that made you happy, happy moments, it's impossible. those feelings that those moments gave you are gone, you had to enjoy them then. it's such an amazing feeling though, right? like, a feeling that changes with every awesome moment you've had or will have, it's not the same but it's THAT feeling. every recreation is an attempt and never succeeds. every moment is different. it's beautiful yet depressing, but the beauty of it definitely prevails.

what is reality? is it--was it ever possible to determine 'real-ness' from 'fake-ness'

i hate drinking, i feel fat. i can't sleep, i feel sick. parties are boring and dumb, why? when did this happen? why am i like this?

what happens when you're bored with life?

i left my entire portfolio, two years worth of work, in the trunk of a taxi.