i was kissing you, but i could only see your back, the nape of your neck and the collar of your shirt. after the kiss, you pulled away... your face was morphed into an octopus, it's tentacles latching onto me but never sticking. they were pulling at the particles floating by in the air, i could feel myself observing. there wasn't any emotion.

crying in casablanca.

everyone is the same.

cry your eyes and tease me baby

we fucked like a nuclear war, watching the fallout fly back up.

white.

oleander time, she said. lovers who kill each other now will blame it on the wind.

nothing.

i just want everyone and everything to shut, the fuck up. x

there is nothing more that i hate than a liar...well i guess there's also naivete, stupidity, and asininity.

this isn't fun anymore.

sister says we can find love at the grocery store.

somewhat just sick of it all.

stop.

over it.

i think i'm lacking some emotions...either that or i'm totally desensitized.

im the fox you've been waiting for.

karma.

the saddest day.

HOWWEGETOLDERHOWWEFORGET.

you only live once!

minus dying.

the drunker i get the more my writing makes sense. i miss how i used to write so much...

i can't stop reading.

today is the start of a new day for me. and i'm feeling pretty fucking damn good about it.

i survived.

did vegas really happen? clearly, what happens stays there...

Orange

Orange denotes hope, friendliness, courtesy, generosity, liveliness, sociability, and an out-going nature. You may want to expand your horizons and look into new interests. It also represents a stimulation of the senses.

Birdcage

To see a birdcage in your dream, represents a loss of freedom. You are feeling locked up and unable to fully express yourself.

Bird

To see birds in your dream, symbolizes your goals, aspirations and hopes. To dream of chirping and/or flying birds, represents joy, harmony, ecstasy, balance, and love. It denotes a sunny outlook in life. You are experiencing spiritual freedom and psychological liberation. It is almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. To dream of dead or dying birds, indicates disappointments. You will find yourself worrying over problems that are nagging on your mind. To see deformed or odd birds in your dream, indicates that you have a unique outlook and perspective on romance and love. The dream may also represent a lack of understanding in affairs of the heart.

Blood

To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments.

Decapitation

To dream that you are decapitated, indicates that you are not thinking clearly and are refusing to see the truth. You need to confront the situation or the person despite the pain and discomfort you might feel in doing so. The dream also suggests that you have the tendency to act before you think.

Aluminum

To see aluminum in your dream, signifies your ability to retain what is valuable to you. You are happy with what you have. What may seem insignificant to others is important to you.

Foil

To see or wrap something in foil in your dream, indicates that you are trying to protect or insulate yourself from the harsh realities. Alternatively, wrapping something in foil is analogous to some pent up anger. You internalize your emotions and keep things inside. The dream may also be a pun on "foiling" or thwarting someone's plans.

laundromat love; cake fiasco; birthday party; exhaustion; drama; underground rave; new experiences; brooklyn; taking my clothes off with kid cudi.it's so wonderful to be alive and breathing. feel good.

...and they did! :)

good things come to those who wait.

ive been having horrible, horrible nightmares. anxiety dreams of not being able to survive weird and uncomfortable situations. i kind-of want to move and i miss home but i'm not quite sure i even KNOW or understand what that means yet.

some guy gave me 10$ just to buy myself a drink last night. what???????????? now i have lunch money, thanks dad!!!

beautiful.

"to behave as if nothing had changed and for that reason nothing would be changed, in a sense. one can't forget everything, however great one's wish to do so; the plague was bound to leave traces, anyhow in people's hearts..."

literally just want to cry forever.

god worst fucking karma ever!!! i need to change my lifestyle. need to change. it's a sign i'm too ungrateful and everything is so materialistic. no more wanting. here i go.

FIN.

keeping calm and carrying on.

fuck you.

things that i want to say and should have but haven't at that moment only because i was incapable and shocked and distraught and i still can't even figure out how to word it except by saying FUCK YOU. what the hell was i DOING??? am i stupid??? why did i even bother...i wasted my time especially for you to say things like that that you probably didn't even realize the way you meant it. don't expect to call me or talk to me when you 'need' it. so rude. so upsettingly rude. i'm terribly hurt but fuck it, it doesn't matter. i shouldn't care and even though i say i don't, i clearly do. and even though you say you don't you clearly do. i'm going to continue living my life the way i did that one month. minding my own business and not even bothering, it's what you wanted. this is going to stop and i thank you for it.

a cigarette waiting to happen.

sometimes i wish i still did drugs. i don’t think it’s wrong to admit that and i’m pretty positive almost everyone does. i miss the people i used to hang out with and actually feeling like i was a real. maybe it was the drug but whatever. i want to say i don’t miss the feeling but i did. and i would now. but i miss the memory and i miss the time and i miss the place. but i feel as if i go back to that stage in my life again it wouldn’t be the same. it wouldn’t, i’ve tried and it doesn’t. i’ve tried again and it still doesn’t. it didn’t feel right. maybe i’m caring too much and i shouldn’t. maybe that’s what fucked me up. all of that shit fucked me up. i wasn’t like this before that. or maybe i was and i didn’t realize it. for some reason i feel more alienated than ever before. i want to feel comfortable again. i am a real person, i do feel real but something’s missing. i don’t think i can ever fulfill what is not there. there is always something more. when can i learn to accept it?

everything is just a game.

my horoscope is repeatedly telling me i will see an abundance of money head my way. where is this money??? the only thing i am seeing is money going going going going going going going...gone

since when do you sleep on your back?

'to love yourself is the beginning of a lifelong romance' - oscar wilde.

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah baHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Dandruff

To dream that you have dandruff, indicates that you are misusing your energy. You may have been under a lot of stress and tension. You should rethink the way you are approaching any of your current problems. Alternatively, this dream may suggest a lack of self-esteem.

my ruin was losing you.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i find myself dreaming of myself sleeping. everything looks the same, as it would if i were awake...but different things happen. if that makes any sense whatsoever. it feels good being able to sleep.......................

Train
To see a train in your dream, represents conformity. You are going along with what everyone else is doing. Or you have a need to do things in an orderly and sequential manner. To dream that you are on a train, symbolizes your life's journey. It suggests that you are on the right track in life and headed in the right direction. Alternatively, you have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will prove to work out in the end.

Blue
Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. Perhaps you are expressing a desire to get away. The presence of this color in your dream, may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind.

Family
To see your own family in your dream, represents security, warmth and love. . Alternatively, it could mean that you are overly dependent on your family.

Money
To see or win money in your dream, indicates that success and prosperity is within your reach. Money may represent confidence, self-worth, success, or values. You have much belief in yourself. Alternatively, dreaming about money, refers to your attitudes about love and matters of the heart. To give or spend money in you dream, is analogous to giving love. You are looking for love.

One
One stands for individuality, individuality solitude, the ego, leadership, originality, beginnings, and a winner. It also stands for a higher spiritual force.

Five
Five represents your persuasiveness, spontaneity, daring/bold nature, action or the five human senses. This number may reflect a change in course. It is also the link between heaven and earth.

Seven
Seven signifies mental perfection, healing, completion, music and attainment of high spirituality. Additionally, you are unique and eccentric.

Woman
To see a woman in your dream, represents nurturance, passivity, caring nature, and love. It refers to your own female aspects or may also represent your mother.

Nude
If you are accepting about another's nudity, then it implies that you see through people and accept them for who and what they are. If you do not care about someone else's nudity, then it suggests that you need to learn not to be afraid of rejection.

Painting
To see a painting in your dream, represents your need for self-expression. The painting is symbolic of your intuition and inner realizations.

Jumping
To dream that you are jumping, indicates that you need to take a risk and go for it. You will find progress toward your goals.

Door
To dream that you are entering through a door, signifies new opportunities that will be presented before you. You are entering into a new stage in your life and moving from one level of consciousness to another. In particular, a door that opens to the outside, signifies your need to be more accessible to others, whereas a door that opens into the inside, denotes your desire for inner exploration and self-discovery. To see opened doors in your dream, symbolize your receptiveness and willingness to accept new ideas/concepts. In particular, to see a light behind it suggests that you are moving toward greater enlightenment/spirituality.

Conductor
To see or dream that you are a conductor, represents your abilities to lead and direct yourself toward higher awareness.

...the most prominent parts of my dream was riding in a long, extensive train with my family to new haven, everything inside was a shade of blue, not a depressing blue, maybe more of a serene blue. it felt like we were crossing country. as soon as we were off the train, i wandered off. i kept finding money blowing in the wind or on the ground. i maybe $7 in total, with two $1 bills and one $5. i gave the money to a homeless person who i followed to a vendor selling postcards and bumper stickers for this college where i'm from. the postcards had several different images on them. Most of them had photographs of the inside of an art gallery, there was another with a nude figure that resembled a painterly quality. the vendor was charging money for the postcards. the homeless man i was with was indecisive about which one he wanted to purchase. a woman walked up next to him and wanted to buy a pack of paper but i was unsure as to what was written on it, the vendor tried to charge her fifty cents and she was enraged. the vendor said it was because we all had to make money somehow. i remember walking in the sun back to the train. my family was on it still, talking to another family. it was our stop and i left a few things on the train. i had to push open through the doors and gather my things. the conductor continued on with the train, but as soon as i needed to get off he told the driver to slow down and i must jump off. i jumped into the street, with my belongings, and met up with my family.

Cockroach

To see a cockroach in your dream, signifies your need for renewal, rejuvenation and self-cleansing of your psychological, emotional, or spiritual being. You need to reevaluate major aspects of your life.

I kiss the boys that speak Foucault.

one more day and i will be paid my pathetic 120$ for my hard work every two weeks. fuck me.

all of a sudden i miss everyone.

yoga was honestly one of the best decisions i've ever made.

WHO LET OUT THE TIGERS TO KILL ALL THE LOVERS????????

i love 21st birthdays.

did not think i would get this hammered with my professor and my summer class...and all of yall!!!!!!

i know i wasn't one of your best friends, but you were there for me. thank you for popping up in my head constantly, thank you for helping me this week; thank you for showing up and understanding. we all miss you and love you. you're such a powerful person. i am so grateful to have met you and have had you in my life. i am truly lucky. i will make it up to you as soon as i'm back home, you have my word. thanks for these birthday wishes. i will see you soon. i love you. xo.

crimson.

over and over
over and over
over and over
over and over
over and over
over and over

god damn god damn god damn

i just want a lover like any other

new york i love you but...

"i'm so far from here..."

we laughed.

"our time is running thin."

been dazed and confused for so long it's not true....

i hate loneliness and sadness.

blacking out is not at all grand...but i suppose it was my mission from the start.

sear my heart to you and sear my eyes.

i'm sick of broads jocking my style. let's just keep it at: we all know who did it first... is there no sense of originality?

i need to get out of this living arrangement. i'm sick of being surrounded by immaturity and selfishness.

i'm turning into my mother and the winter is making me bitter and lonely, but somehow i'm managing to keep my sanity, juxtaposing this time with last year. i want to travel across the states. i want to get into a car and just drive, not having to worry about food or money. i want to see land and experience the beauty of nature. is it possible to spend forever laying in the green grass and just breathing in the air our world has to offer? i'm sick of city life but i am grateful for experiencing the real fuckin' world. the city is making me tougher. i'm distanced from people and i'm OK with that. farewell sailing state, i never want to move back to you, or see anyone there. i apologize, or [should i even?] but society there is just too depressing. i don't want to be associated with it... i want to explore human behavior even more. but to do that, i need to understand who i am first. i'm almost 21 and i still don't know. i want a job and i do want to make money. i want to grow up and i want to get out of here! want want want want want want want. i need to STOP being so materialistic. i am never happy!!! what's wrong with me? i'm constrained and hopefully there will be a day when i break away and not care. it feels good to write again, why have i stopped?

again.

i dreamt i was with family, but the feeling and emotion didn't feel like my family...if that makes sense. it was summer. the temperature was mild. the dream became a somewhat portrait of myself. i only saw through my eyes. i felt alone but i didn't feel lonely. i was in a field running and playing. the grass wasn't green, it was straw-like. i looked at my skin, i saw tons of tiny black spiders crawling on me. all over my body, there were clumps of identical black spiders. in between my toes, my ears, my belly button. i shook them off but they kept scurrying all over my entire body.