i'm sick of broads jocking my style. let's just keep it at: we all know who did it first... is there no sense of originality?

i need to get out of this living arrangement. i'm sick of being surrounded by immaturity and selfishness.

i'm turning into my mother and the winter is making me bitter and lonely, but somehow i'm managing to keep my sanity, juxtaposing this time with last year. i want to travel across the states. i want to get into a car and just drive, not having to worry about food or money. i want to see land and experience the beauty of nature. is it possible to spend forever laying in the green grass and just breathing in the air our world has to offer? i'm sick of city life but i am grateful for experiencing the real fuckin' world. the city is making me tougher. i'm distanced from people and i'm OK with that. farewell sailing state, i never want to move back to you, or see anyone there. i apologize, or [should i even?] but society there is just too depressing. i don't want to be associated with it... i want to explore human behavior even more. but to do that, i need to understand who i am first. i'm almost 21 and i still don't know. i want a job and i do want to make money. i want to grow up and i want to get out of here! want want want want want want want. i need to STOP being so materialistic. i am never happy!!! what's wrong with me? i'm constrained and hopefully there will be a day when i break away and not care. it feels good to write again, why have i stopped?

again.

i dreamt i was with family, but the feeling and emotion didn't feel like my family...if that makes sense. it was summer. the temperature was mild. the dream became a somewhat portrait of myself. i only saw through my eyes. i felt alone but i didn't feel lonely. i was in a field running and playing. the grass wasn't green, it was straw-like. i looked at my skin, i saw tons of tiny black spiders crawling on me. all over my body, there were clumps of identical black spiders. in between my toes, my ears, my belly button. i shook them off but they kept scurrying all over my entire body.